I think in my lifetime I’ve been in over 40 different apartments and houses. I remember moving all over the place as a kid. Mom did not have roots that meant anything to her. She did what felt right for herself. If she wanted to be somewhere, that’s where we moved to. If it felt wrong to me, it didn’t matter.
Security is a big word that means many things. It can mean home security, where you set an alarm and make sure your home is safe. It can mean financial security, where you don’t have to worry where your next meal will come from, or whether or not you’ll be able to pay the rent.
For me, security means stability. That feeling we get when we wake up each morning and we know the day will be safe and we will have a place to call home at the end of the day. Security is knowing your parents love you, and will always stand by you no matter how stupid you may be, or how many mistakes you will make in life.
Security is something I still long for. I try not to dwell on it because I dislike self pity intensely. I try to convince myself that I am a secure and stable person, and that I can do anything I put my mind to. The truth of the matter is that, I’m a very insecure person…and I have always longed for what all my childhood friends had: Two normal parents who loved them, fed them, put a roof over their heads, and clothed them. I didn’t have that.
When I became an adult I had to learn how to cook, clean, care for my children, and how to trek my way through life and make my mark in this world. I married a man who had a big family. I thought that would make me feel safe. The truth is that they played on my weaknesses and took pleasure in letting me know that I was not only an outsider, but also not liked. I remained part of that family for 12 years. Eventually that marriage ended and I moved on…
Next, I married a man who was and is wonderful to my children. He is an exceptional Grandfather and a hard worker. My older years are pretty safe, but still not perfect. But what is perfect? Is there any such thing? As long as we can see the wrong in our lives, we are halfway to being a better person. People who don’t see the wrong in their lives are people who will always make others feel unwanted and unhappy. I try to be the person who makes people feel loved and safe. I take pride in who I turned out to be, in spite of the Mother who raised me.