Do I dare?

Mom’s birthday is coming up. We haven’t spoken in months. We don’t get along, at all. We are like poison to each other. I can’t talk to her without her telling me something that makes me feel bad. She has never made me feel safe or secure. My life with Mom was never a good one…

Not talking to her in months has brought sanity and calmness into my life. I can wake up knowing that on this day she won’t call me to tell me how horrible I am.

She’s going to be 86 years old. I know I sound cruel, because of her age. People tell me to excuse the things she says because she’s an old woman and can’t help herself…

The thing is, that she was always this way. This isn’t an age thing. Mom was selfish her entire life. She didn’t do the basic Motherly things that Moms are supposed to do: We didn’t have food in the house, we didn’t have school clothes, the electricity was always being turned off, the landlords badgered me for the rent while she hid in the bathroom. To put it into a nutshell, Mom wasn’t a Mother.

Yet as her birthday approaches, I feel guilty for not wanting to send her a birthday card. It will open a pandora’s box and give her the opportunity to use me for her emotional escape. I am the one she screams at and tells how horrible I am and how I should feel gifted that she gave me life and didn’t aboard me. I KNOW if I don’t call, that will make me look even worse, and she will use it until her death, against me.

Dear God, give me the strength to not call.

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