Sometimes I feel like my title. Even when it’s bright outside I can feel like my life is dark and scary. These are the times that remind me of my childhood. The knocks on the door for money owed, the empty frig, the messy house. These are the things that remain in my mind from the past.
Mom used to hide in the bathroom when bill collectors came to the door. I never understood why I had to be the one who answered the knocks and faced the fire. Back then bill collectors were permitted to walk right up to your house and knock on your door. They yelled at me for money. I was only 10 years old when I began having to deal with this.
Today I make sure everything is paid, even before I buy food. I make sure that it’s paid early. My frig is always loaded to the gills. My freezer that stands alone is always full. My Grandchildren come over and they always have whatever they want to eat, ready and available for them.
When we lived with Great Grandma during the very early years, we always had food and shelter. No one knocked on the door for money. In fact, Mom was hardly around. She was always out doing whatever she felt like doing…which pretty much all of the time wasn’t being a Mother.
Today I try to be like Great Grandma. I love being that person who the kids look forward to visiting. I’m the one who makes the good meals and has the great snacks. I’m the one who keeps oodles of toys around for them to play with. This is who I have become, thanks to Great Grandma, and no thanks to Mom.
In spite of the darkness, I have succeeded in becoming the person I myself would always want to be around 🙂