It takes two

I have been trying so hard to repair the relationship with my mother. It has been quite strained since the death of my dad over a year ago.

We started talking a month ago and there are a few issues.

She says things to me to try to get a rise out of me so I always change the subject when she does this. It works like a charm and I do it so fast she does not bring it back up again.

I am avoiding a confrontation with her over these things. Sometimes I think she says them to hurt me but I do not want to believe that. Surely my mom would not intentionally hurt me!

It is not like you can tell someone “When I am visiting with your or talking to you I would appreciate it very much if you would not talk about these other people”. “It is great you have them in your life at this time but that does not involve me”. “For once can we just talk about ME”! My mother never wants to talk about me.

I want to say that BUT it would cause an argument. So I just avoid it.

Is this wrong to avoid it?

Will I spend the rest of my life with my mom having to change the subject?

When you’re the oldest of two children that your parents, had and you were the one that your parents could always count on for anything and everything it is a heavy burden. There is so much pressure that goes with these duties. My entire grown up life it was like my sister took a vacation and stayed on it for all these years. She never wanted to be bothered with anything.

When one parent dies sometimes the surviving parent changes personalities and your still carrying that burden of being the one who is always around to do what needs to be done. The only difference now it is like you do not know this parent anymore they are totally different. I never realized how much my dad balanced everything out with our relationships.

It is like everything I have ever done for my parents has been erased from my mom’s memories. I bring little things up all the time just as a reminder but it is like she will not acknowledge it. Most of all it is like she does not want to acknowledge me and she would prefer I not be around.

I think about all these things a lot and I try to figure out how I should handle these situations. I really wish things had never changed in the first place I like the way things were before.

Why does death have to change people?



2 thoughts on “It takes two

  1. You know I feel your pain. I haven’t spoken to my Mother since spring. It’s been difficult, but unlike your Mom…Mine enjoys being the way she is. I think your Mom will eventually come around. She is probably still holding onto memories of your Dad and can’t get passed them. (I have been sending emails to you.)


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